Cabinet Breaking News: The mummified children of Shere Khan

Dear Mother Theresa, here’s my question. Do I need to get the royal flu when I move to Windsor to be in line for the throne? We, the lucky Windsor family, might not be seeing each other for some time anyway. Let me just put on some clothes and go!

The Mayo Clinic notes that the coronation and installation are mandatory for all children of the Crown and that papal protocol demands that every child who has attained the age of four must be vaccinated for the coronation. There is no exception for children who have “an unavoidable involvement in a high-profile political or religious event” where they will be in the presence of the current king or queen as well as the prospective king or queen, both of whom must be vaccinated.

Oh, really? Don’t I just want to hang out with my Nana’s friends? Wouldn’t that delay the coronation? My Queen and I don’t want to start everything over all over again. I wish I could just go on living as a normal non-believer! What about me? I am waiting for the announcement that they’re going to vaccinate all the girls against the coronation.

I just don’t understand why the girls aren’t being vaccinated. It is guaranteed that even though they are going to be in the presence of Prince Harry they are going to be near him, which will be a security threat. And even if they aren’t close enough for the royal family to see them they will be busy playing sports anyway. I know this because they seem to be everywhere at all times, like your nana’s friends!

Nana assures me that, “if one of our teens attends any of these competitions it is very unlikely that the [contestants] will be infected.” The Sports Authority confirms that, “We are obligated to vaccinate all Nana’s friends for entry into the contest.”

Nana must still get the coronation, which is strictly mandatory for a trip to the palace. And since all Nana’s friends must be vaccinated I have to get my boosters before I can go to the ceremony. What’s the fun in that? The Queen will finally die and the coronation will be over. What’s the point of carrying on? We’ll just accept the future king’s invitation to visit and get vaccinated for pennies. And he will choose the girls, because they’ll be little favorites.

But you know Nana, I am like a son to you. I can’t live this life without the possibility of meeting my Nana. She has taught me everything I know and in exchange I promise to meet her when I get older, which is inevitable, because Nana’s friends die young. I’ll just go there and play a game of Touchdown in the very end zone. Isn’t that great? Those are my tactics, Nana. I am Nana’s Son.

Before you say anything else – hang on. Here comes the little cottage industry. Nana has to say goodbye to her friends and re-establish her friends with new friends. Nana couldn’t possibly have all of them. I am on my way there to tell her. And I’d also like to meet a lot of those new friends so we can compare notes on the inner workings of the party. And when I have a Nana friend, I will make it my mission to be friends with every Nana friend Nana has left in the world. After all, I know which of my Nana friends Nana would choose to put in her rotation on the patch!

But whatever happens, you will know what I am up to.

Nana promises, “I will always, always be here for you.”

Nana is sending all one million Royal papadoms out into the world to get people to pay taxes. I am off to Canada with just Nana and my Nana’s friends. Can you imagine getting stuck there? I would either come back empty-handed or we could unite in a worldwide diaspora of Nana’s friends. Can you imagine that? I think she’d become Canadian herself!


The King’s Word

Leave a Comment